Flip The Script

for your self Aug 11, 2021

Today, I’m getting vulnerable with you. I’m diving into the word “fear” and all that it means for me. Maybe I’ll even speak a little about what it means for you too. It hasn’t been easy for me to share my feelings publicly the last few months because of some truly awful messages that I had been receiving, but I’m hopeful that I have successfully blocked all of the noise and am speaking to the few of you who I can trust.

What are some things you fear?

  • The dark?
  • Death?
  • Losing your career?
  • Being alone?

Want to know some things I fear?

  • Living a half-assed life.
  • Being so closed off that I never experience raw, beautiful love.
  • Holding on to my past selves so tightly that I can’t fully embrace my current self.
  • Not being “enough”.
  • Failure.
  • And yes, probably death a bit too.

If you would have told me in 2019 that come 2021 I would no longer be playing 2-3 gigs a week, I STILL wouldn’t have a yard, I would be single, having gained a few pounds over the last year, the emotional weight of struggling with loss, and on the brink of losing the job I’d had for the last 6.5 years, I would have broke down into a million pieces, but alas, here I am.

Here I am with all of these things being a part of my current world, still breathing, still standing, and yes, sometimes crying.

You see, I don’t let go of the past easily. I never have. I long for repeats of moments passed and wish for more time. I cry for the dreams that my younger self envisioned and the lack of their existence in reality. It’s something I’ve dealt with my entire life and while it’s nice to finally start to recognize, it’s also heartbreaking.

But it’s time to flip the script a bit.

I miss live music, every. day. And I am so happy to see so many of my friends back out there playing. I’m not there yet, but I look forward to it happening soon and in the mean time, I am very grateful to be working on little projects here and there, keeping the creative juices flowing.

I still don’t have the yard I so desire, but I DO have central AC now so that is a definite win.

I am “single” by society’s definition, but I’ve also realized that I don’t love these terms. As if dating someone should really mean that we are “taken”. I don’t ever want to be taken. And I don’t ever want to take. I want to live in sync, together.

Yes, I have gained a few pounds. In seeing old photos of myself, “in better shape”, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never truly been satisfied with my weight. I know now that it will take a long time to unlearn all of the thought patterns I’ve had around my worth and my body image.

The emotional weight of struggling with loss is something I can’t quite touch on just now and I truly don’t know how people ever do.

The kids are finally going back to school this September and while it’s so hard to know that my role in their lives is about to drastically change (as well as my career), I got a bonus year with them this last year which is something I will never take for granted.

So as I embark in even more significant life changes in this year, I’m hoping that it gets easier and easier to flip the script on the moments that feel devastating.

As I’m creating this course about living more consciously, it’s opened my eyes to so much more. It is truly a passion project that I can’t wait to share with you. And to top it all off, I’ve officially enrolled as a student of functional nutrition so get ready for some exciting change coming soon!

Feel free to share this post with each and every person that you feel needs it. 

All my love,
xx, jamie

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